Radical Acceptance
It All Begins Here
The shift that turns resistance into peace and suffering into growth
One of the most transformative things I have learned in my own journey with DBT is the concept of radical acceptance. I have generally operated under the impression that, in order to radically accept something, it means that one needs to be okay with whatever it is we are accepting. The reality is, that is not the case. Radical acceptance is less about being okay with the circumstance itself and more about recognizing that the circumstance exists as it is. We don’t have to be happy about it or even sad about it—just aware and acknowledging the fact that this is what it is, without trying to wish it away or dwell on how things could have worked out differently.
When we allow our emotions to take over, we increase our suffering. Emotions themselves are fleeting, and while not allowing our emotional state to drive the bus is easier said than done, we often have little to no choice in whether we experience pain or heartache in life. We can do “everything right,” and things may still not turn out as we had hoped. We may still lose loved ones, relationships, or opportunities—the list goes on. When we radically accept that these things have occurred or will occur, it doesn’t mean that we approve of them. It means that we acknowledge their existence—the reality of life and death, of joy and pain, of failure and triumph—knowing that all of these experiences are integral parts of life that we all go through.
When we try to change our reality or let anger, bitterness, sadness, despair, regret, shame—you name it—take over, we fight against reality and only make things harder for ourselves. Total acceptance involves fully embracing reality as it is. Instead of trying to calculate all the ways a circumstance could have turned out differently, or beating yourself up with “I should haves” and “if onlys,” you acknowledge that what is, is, and you move forward with acceptance. You shift your focus from what you can’t control or change to what you can. This is not giving up or being passive in your life—it is choosing to stop fighting the unchangeable and instead moving toward what can be changed. This is precisely what is at the heart of the Serenity Prayer: serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change what we can, and wisdom to understand the difference.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is not. Pivoting toward radical acceptance creates a pathway for emotional healing and autonomy. Instead of getting stuck in what is, you begin to move toward what can be.